I have a random generator for my business email signature file, seeded with quotes I hand it. Eventually, these quotes get me in trouble, either because they are contextually poor choices (for example, the "car seat" quote in an email to someone that's pregnant) or because I lack a filter in the first place (e.g. just about any political commentary in a business email). I'll periodically scrub them and post them here instead, under the category "quotes", where I expect they'll cost me less business.

Islam is much like Christianity, in that you can find something in it to justify almost any fool notion.  — Cecil Adams

Socialism is bad. I learned that in public school.   - Barry Crimmins.

When asked "If you don't love this country, why don't you get out?" I replied, "Because I don't want to be victimized by its foreign policy.”  - Barry Crimmins

There are now kids in middle school who can say, “We’ve always been at war with Westasia” without doublespeaking.
  - YT

We should move the drone program under the Department of Immigration. Apparently, even the creation of a global surveillance state can’t help us tell a refugee from a terrorist at the border, but the drones have no difficulty telling them apart from 30,000 feet.
   - YT

To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!    H. L. Mencken

Live every day like it’s your last: spend it wallowing in regret, then lash out at family members for their greed.  — Teddy Wayne

When all you have is a pair of bolt cutters and a bottle of vodka, every problem looks like the lock on the door of Wolf Blitzer's boathouse.    -- xkcd.com

I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.  -- Jimmy Fallon

It's kind of endearing, watching him endeavor to shove an entire carseat into his mouth with no thought toward what would happen if he succeed. That kind of naive blindness and inability to think about the consequences of his actions gives me hope that, someday, he too will have children.      
  -- defective yeti