What I’m Giving up for Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent (for those not familiar, the official and semi-official holy days associated with Jesus’ Big Comeback are Fat Tuesday [aka Mardi Gras], Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, and Goddammit How Is It Already Monday). Lent is a 40 days period during which the Big Papa wants us to abstain from something to remind us of the “hardship” of the 40 days’ flood (if you describe nearly all animal life dying from drowning following terrifying exhaustion as “hardship,” and don’t pause to wonder why the post-flood world was not overrun with sea birds) -- because DJ JC was all about causing and not sparing human suffering -- or something like that. I'm sure it made sense at the time it was explained to me.

In any case, you’re supposed to give up something bad for you, so after careful consideration, I’m giving up religion for Lent. Unfortunately, now that I’m an Atheist, I will no longer know when Lent is over, so I guess I’m stuck. I’m sure the Church will eventually rewrite things to plug that loophole while simultaneously telling us that the Bible is the inviolable word of God.

Now I just need someone to explain how (chocolate??) egg-laying bunnies is not clearly a co-opted pagan spring fertility rite. Or as my amigo Bill Hicks said, 'Why those two things [chocolate and bunnies], y'know? Why not "goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer", y'know? Long as we're makin' s**t up, go hog wild, y'know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it. "Mummy! I woke up today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!" "That's the story of Jesus!"'