Thursday, December 28, 2017

Semantics ARE Optics

The Christian Koran


A local school is being threatened with a lawsuit because they will only allow religion to be taught in the context of the humanities, and not as part of the science curriculum. How are we still dealing with this issue?

Now that we're done with the War on Christmas, and back to the War on Science, Reason, Logic and Facts, can I make a request? Instead of using the word "Bible" in speech or writing, replace that with "Christian Koran." Is it not correct to answer "What is the Koran?" with "Why, it's the Muslim equivalent of The Bible!"? It's identical in significance -- i.e. our holy book, which some of us believe contains the actual words of our Sky Friend -- but it makes a nod to the fact that the facts of the book are not facts the way REAL facts are facts ... they're opinions, particular to a region, like whether to use Miracle Whip or Hellman's (I'm sure Pence is more of a "it's got the word miracle in it!" than "the brand that looks both satanic and humanist" kind of guy). Refusing to do this would be to come right out and say "I know it's religion, and we have no evidence for any of it, but I am certain that these beliefs are 100% right and any other belief is 100% wrong, even if the other guy feels the exact same way, and I don't need evidence to rely on my gut and what I want to be true, no matter how much reason or evidence contradicts my adopted bias." At least you'll know where they stand on any debate about anything that might smite their biases, or put them on equal footing with the less-Reborn ... or even prove helpful to them, but be counter-intuitive ... and you will know they would want to make faith-based and data-free guesses about, say, existential threats to our country and planet. In other words, you'll know they shouldn't be let anywhere near policy.

Likewise, "Muslim Bible" works, and can be substituted -- in your own head if the speaker refuses to adopt this reasonable (hrrrm?) standard -- when you hear someone talking about denying rights based on religious preference, or bombing a part of the world because those people just don't count as much as we do because they are, simply, wrong about everything.

This concept genericizes. So when Betsy DeVos says that we should take away money from non-denomination public education to give to unaccredited faith-based schools, similarly unvetted telestudy programs, and home schooling ... what you should be hearing is: We want to replace fact-based education with Christian Madrassas, Online Radicalization, and Multigenerational Indoctrination.

Or, "No Arab Churches at Ground Zero." Or, "We forced Abu Ghraib prisoners to wipe their butts with the Muslim Old Testament (a.k.a. the Old Testament)." Or "Muhammed, people! Clearly, The False Lord of the Heathens wouldn't put the oil in the ground (with the 6000-year-old fossils ... um, I mean, Joseph Smith's Gold Tablets), if Vishnu didn't want us to Frack the Purgatory out of it!" Or, "I bet home schools come
with a world religion course consisting of every Bible Belt Buddhist's favorite BC Christians: Jesus and Uzi."

Or simply, "I don't understand why we can't teach the Christian Koran as a science, side by side with actual documented events and demonstrable science." It's still semantically identical to "let us force-teach the Bible in schools" aside from taking away the "... because if you don't you're denying my first amendment rights to religious freedom" part, which is what these arguments so often devolve into. It intrinsically opens the door for teaching other religions on an equal footing, which is clearly not part of what these Pontif-icating-or-Protestant-ing Pastafarians (see what I did there?) are agitating for. It's clear that it's not simply "all religions are on an equal footing with science" they want, but rather "our religion trumps both science and other religions in truthiness." It's a harmless insanity, right until it gets control of the reins of government, and these semantic substitutions will help make the fnords audible.

Since the South is extra touchy about this subject, but not so concerned about traditional book learnin', I will permit them to refer to their Book as the Korrect Kristian Koran.


Remember: (A) Life (of gullibility, control-lust, illogic, sanctimony, and hypocrisy) begins at (the Immaculate) Conception. Please abort the coup of the born-again.

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